The Consequences of Chronology

I'm getting old. There is now irrefutable proof of this fact and denial is no longer an option.

I know, to look at me you wouldn't think it. I'm still filled with a childish exuberance and have the ruggedly handsome appearance of a young Don Rickles. But, nevertheless, it is true. The fact didn't so much dawn on me, as it was thrust upon me, sneaking up on me in my sleep, grabbing me by the testicles and tossing me out the window. In that situation, as metaphorical as it may be, it's hard to escape the ravages of age with balls that sore. So instead I lay back on the driveway and concede to the fact that, yes, against all odds of it ever happening, I am officially an adult.

What could it possibly have been that launched this realisation upon me out of the darkness, like a spider monkey wearing night-vision goggles? Could it have been looking at the date on my birth certificate and doing a simple mathematical equasion to calculate the years passed between now and then? Sure, if you want to base it on such rudimentary evidence. And, anyways, what has maths really done for me lately? Where's maths after I get home from a long day at work? Suspiciously absent, that's where. I don't trust maths at all, no siree. See, for me, it comes from something far simpler. Or maybe it's less simple. Honestly, I'm not sure what the rating scale is for these things. But suffice to say, the point that I'm taking my time getting to is this: The first of my friends got engaged.

Now, to me, that's just a complete "Holy shit" moment. I've reached that age where the ball begins rolling and people around me are going to start getting married. Which can only lead one to begin to wonder, how long until I find myself attending a baby shower, staring at tiny clothes and getting freaked out, not least of all because, shit, those clothes could almost fit me.

It's not like this is the first person I know to reach either an 'engaged' or 'pregnancy' milestone. Many people I went to high school with have managed it. Hell, I'm from Caboolture, unplanned pregnancy is in the top five teenage past-times in that place. But this is the first of my actual friends that anything like this has happened to. I've never seen myself coming from a circle of friends that this would happen in at a young age. Why? Because we're better than you are (note: we're probably not, I just felt a strong desire to be incredibly arrogant. That and you suck. Seriously.). So this happening really signifies that I'm kickin' it in the adulthood.

The steps were all there leading up to it - the full-time jobs and everyone having to go in separate directions because of them, me angrily and pointlessly abusing the mailbox because it contains bills I don't want to pay, friends actually considering and going ahead with buying houses. These are none-too-subtle signs of the adult world. But come on, you have to admit, if you were standing next to me and the adult world opened its doors and started beckoning me in, you'd be looking around, going "Really? Him? Are you sure you know what you're saying?" I still half suspect that if I went to a public pool, they'd order me to wear floaties. Would this be before or after that order me to wear some - any - sort of swimsuit? I don't know.

Of course, this isn't a bad thing, and I'm incredibly happy for the friend in question. It's just the fact that this was the thing the turned into the big, neon 'You Are Here' sign in my life. And I'm glad all those lights were working, because if it turned into a big 'You Are Her' sign, things may have gotten confusing.

And another thing. This means I'm going to have to go to a wedding at some point. I don't even own a fuckin' suit. Shit.