There Are Things To Be Learned From Naked, Golden Men

For whatever reason - be it laziness towards channel-changing, an act of self-loathing, or the film geek side of me taking control - I've been sitting here for a while, half-heartedly watching the Oscars. While I can't look at the screen for prolonged periods without being overwhelmed by Hollywood's desperate need to herd everyone together for mutual ass-slapping (albeit possibly a little too over-enthusiastic and going a little too deep with the fingers), yet, by the same design, I also cannot entirely look away.

But that's not to say it hasn't been an educational experience. Oh no, trust me, I feel much more enlightened by random thoughts and trivia running through my head. And, because I have nothing better to do but bore you with the inanity of what goes on in my brain, I thought I'd impart some of them upon you.

- John Travolta's head looks like a Chia Pet.

- Jack Nicholson's head is beginning to look like the same Chia Pet, 25 years later, after it contracted Lukemia.

- While we all think Camera Diaz is an irritating, ditzy blonde, there will come a time where she will show us all by opening that mouth of hers wide enough to swallow the Earth, with all of us on it.

- I don't know where Nicole Kidman found 56 kajillion diamonds, but she wrapped them around her neck in what I see as an obvious ploy to draw attention to the ever increasing size of her breasts (High-five pregnancy!). Well played, I say. Especially when her face is beginning to look more and more like this:


Only with less range in facial expression.

- It appears that if you're really, really old - no matter what job you have ever performed on a movie - you will eventually be awarded an honourary Oscar simply for managing to stave off death for another year. When all the other old guys are dead, it will be the decrepid Best Boy Grip's time to shine. And I, for one, will applaud his efforts, whatever the hell they were.

- When it comes down to the crunch - despite being made of gold and incredibly well-known - when Oscar gets the ladies home, there's no way they are able to look past his distinct lack of a penis. And that giant sword he's holding in front of himself? An embarrasing act of over-compensation.

- You know what, for an old broad, I'd be almost willing to sleep with Helen Mirren, if she was willing to lower her standards. If she inserted the word 'cajones' into every sentence, I'd be willing to cut out that 'almost'.

- Viggo Mortensen has a beard that makes him look like either a pirate or a rabbi. Can he be both? A yarmulke would work as a pirate hat, wouldn't it? I certainly hope so. Not to mention a Jewish pirate would be far more sensible with any treasure that came into his possession through whatever dastardly means.

- Martin Scorcese's eyebrows are seperate entities to the rest of his body. I believe that they are where all his directing talent is contained, and without them he is nothing more than a hollow shell that must feed on human hearts to live. In other words, an awesome party animal.

And I'm out.